you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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