soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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