So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
