i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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