she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
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