I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
