I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
