there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
