Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Randomize
