I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Randomize
