is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
