Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
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The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
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Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
They have beer where we have blood.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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