The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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