Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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