I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
