The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Why is your signature on my underwear?
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
