You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
