U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now Heβs Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Good news!! I can adult!! π turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ππ
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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