Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Randomize
