her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
