isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
