apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
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I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
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So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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