I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
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