My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
