True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
So vagazzling was a success
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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