I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Randomize
