I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
