you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I want a musical about memes.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
