No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
