Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
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