she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
