i love accidental penises.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
