Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
It's shark week go big or go home
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
