Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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