I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
