happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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