I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
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