At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
