I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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