tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
