He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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