I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
