everyone is single if you try hard enough
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
