every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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