We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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