I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
