there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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