So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
