Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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