there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
