He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
