i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
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In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
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