I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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