That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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