i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
We had to coat check the pizza.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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