Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
