Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
