is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
