It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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