My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
