i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
