Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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