he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
