brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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