Your face is a jimmy john
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
