Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
