True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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